that sinking feeling...

i've just found out some bad news. and even though i don't want to share the actual news, (sorry to all you, curious folk out there. and for those of you, who might be worried - no, no one died and no one is sick!) i feel like sharing with you that sinking feeling, that hard knot in the bottom of my stomach, the worry caught in my throat... i hope that you will send prayers and good thought for me out into the universe... in fact, i feel better already! sharing sadness is important. just as important as sharing joy!

kaspar has begun to stand on his own, well, relatively speaking. of course, he's holding on for his dear life. sometimes he'll lean on to the toy or a chair or my knee, but he loves it to the point of giggling and laughter, ever time i let go of my hold on him. he still does not sit for more then 30 seconds without falling over, but he can stand for almost the same length of time, as long as he's holding on to something sturdy. he has discovered standing and wants to stand, not sit... so, he does just that. the willpower of this kid! what are we in for a few years down the road? uh.

since our kid seems so determined at such an early age, i thought perhaps letting him read the parenting magazines might just help us out, a little. if you have not noticed - this issue has an article called the "ultimate sleep guide". perhaps the wisdom can be absorbed, somehow? we're still fighting sleep. tonight, since he went to bed, for some reason or another he's been waking up every half hour. i cannot even remember what it feels like to be asleep for more then two hours at a time.

well. it's almost 11:00. i'm calling it a night. steve's done work early tonight, he just got in. i might just have to stick him with some baby time, tonight. just in case you have good advice, don't hesitate to share! but serial just before bed does nothing for my kid! he ate a good half cup of it, tonight, and we have no results whatsoever. patience.... got to remember... patience.... :-)

new developments in the life of kaspar

he's talking. yup. it's all about a-ba-ba-ba-be-be-be-be a-a-a-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-bah, a-bi-bi-boo-boo, a-ba-ba-ba, a-ba-ba-ba-be-be-be-be a-a-a-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-bah, a-bi-bi-boo-boo, a-ba-ba-ba,a-ba-be-be-be-be a-a--boo-boo-boo-boo-bah, a-bi-bi-boo-boo, a-ba-ba-ba and it goes on and on. it's like he's telling stories the length of at least five or six sentences. it just started this morning. before today it was just a ga-ga or a-ma-ma and that's it. but now.... let me tell you. he's expressing emotions and all that jazz. when he gets upset that i'm not picking him up, he goes on in an upset tone of voice, slightly faster, slightly louder: "a-ba-ba-ba-be-be-be-be a-a-a-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-bah, a-bi-bi-boo-boo, a-ba-ba-ba,a-ba-be-be-be-be a-a--boo-boo-boo-boo-bah..." it's fascinating, really! tonight, just before falling asleep he said up-up-up... then stopped and repeated the same thing again. soon after i realized that he needed to be picked up for a burp. as soon as i picked him up and burped him, he fell asleep. i swear - he was asking to be picked up! well. i know.... he probably has no clue what he's saying, but it's fun and exciting for me none the less. and, against all odds, i'd like to believe that he is trying to communicate some things. his own way, of course.

the other absolutely surprising thing - he's been sleeping today. for the first time in his life kaspar took two 3 hour long naps and still was ready for bed at 9pm. like normal babies, he wanted to sleep!!! it must be all the talking... he must be exhausted trying to communicate. :-) it's absolutely wonderful! i wish it would happen more often. oh, but i should not even say it or think it... or else... well. it was really strange. he woke up this morning, as usual at about 7am. steve took him for an hour. then he had his breakfast and we played for a while. by 11am he was fast asleep. usually the morning naps last 30 minutes. if we're lucky 45. rarely has he slept for more then an hour and a half. today - he slept until 2pm! yes! i kept going in to check if he was still breathing. then... at about 4pm, i decided to keep my own promises and go for a long walk. kaspar was beside himself as i tried to get him dressed for the walk. he still hates getting dressed! but we managed. we got out of the house shortly after 4pm and walked for almost 2 hours. it was a gorgeous afternoon. the snow was slowly sifting throughout the air. everything white and pretty. it's so much brighter and nicer, when the ground is covered with fresh snow! when we got back to the house, he was still asleep. i shoveled the snow. talked to the neighbors. and finally brought the stroller inside. he kept sleeping. i took the blanket and mittens off. still asleep. he slept until 7pm. then he was up for two hours and went right back to sleep at 9pm. am i in for a nasty night of wakefulness????

inspiration

inspiration seems hard to come by these days. i'm feeling the turkey in my veins, i think. (observation based on a 'steve theory'*) these first few days of the new year have been rather drab and rainy and gray and i have been feeling just the same. drab. rainy and gray. today the sun came out and kaspar and i went for a first long walk in what seems to have been weeks, well... days for sure! i'm determined to see a glimpse of light on the horizon of gray and drab. :-)

this morning i spent hours weeding through consumer reviews and web sites and questions about what car seat to buy for kaspar. i know, i know.... it seems silly to be spending so much time on such a small task. but, have you seen the choices out there? have you ever though about 4 point harness positioning or five point? choosing a seat from 5-80 pounds or 10-70? one that tilts 30% or one that reclines 45%? graco, cosco, perego? i had never even heard of some of these things! and all that does not even take the 'visual' appearance or fabric or colour into consideration. where would we be without internet? probably buying the first seat that looked decent and saving all this grief and time trying to choose the perfect model. right? i know... i feel like the whole information age is a bit of a catch 22. but... we bought kaspar a new convertible car seat that should last him well into his childhood. at least until he's about five or six. he loves it. looks like a king on a throne! thanks for a christmas gift - grandma, grandpa & oma!

it's funny how baby issues are swallowing up my days even while kaspar sleeps. i'm feeling more unorganized and hectic then usual, but hoping to resolve it by making some new years resolutions. i never had the time to think about it before the first of january. however, having recently been inspired by a few friends of mine, who seem to be making their new years resolutions as they go, during the month of january, i hope to follow suit. my first resolution - get back into taking daily walks. and i don't mean the sorts of walks, where we leave the house and return within 10 or 15 minutes. that's not even enough to get kaspars nose cold! second - get 2005 finances organized and hand in tax return on time. this one i might be forced to keep if only for one reason - i want to go to latvia to visit my folks before i go back to work. and yes, tax return is usually a great way to get a little extra unplanned cash! and third - take time for myself, just a little, but every day. and that does not necessarily mean writing this blog. i think that's good enough for the first 6 days of this year.

oh, the pressure. the first post for 2006. ahhhhhh. ok. i'm not about to let it get me all worried. talk of importance or no importance. who cares. you can read it or not read it. all the same. right? well. who am i kidding. it's not all the same. i want you to read it. of course i do. or else i would just write on a piece of paper in the drawer of my bedside table, wouldn't i? so. 2006. what's new with all of you, out there in blog land?

i went to see my dentist a couple of weeks ago. actually, it was my dentist's hygienist. they keep me well on track with dental work. i think it's because i have insurance and they feel they can bring me back whenever necessary (or not?) without me raising any complaints. it's nice to have the luxury of having a cleaning every four or five months! well... after the visit, the hygienist gave me a toothbrush for kaspar. i'm not sure if she was serious. i sure as heck, did not take it seriously! how could i - he only had one tooth and it's not one that's going to last him long, either. but i gave kaspar the tooth brush as a toy, when i got home. and. believe it or not - the kid loved it. if i ever want to keep him quiet and playing for any amount of time, all i have to do is hand him a tooth brush and all is well. he loves it! he chews and brushes and plays with for many minutes at a time (many minutes is long for a five month old!!!). what a wonderful idea. i wonder if she knew??? anyhow.... the toothbrush has became a favourite, just like the wooden spoon!

favourites never last long with babies, i've noticed. in september, kaspars grandparents came for a visit and showered him with baby clothes. some of may favourite outfits! i love some of the little clothes they make for kids these days, yes, even boys. i thought they were going to last him well into the spring. yesterday i was trying to dress kaspar in one of the jackets and realized that the long sleeve jacket was fashionably 3/4 lenght sleeve now. and the jumper with feet only fits, if the buttons on the bum are left open. yes. i had to admit to myself, that he's outgrown many of the pieces of clothing that still populate his drawers. he's moved into the 9-12 month cloting ranks! it's absolutely crazy how fast this kid is growing.

well. i thought about writing more, but kaspar keeps waking up every half hour or so. i keep rocking him back to sleep, which takes about 10-15 minutes each time and as soon as i manage to sit down at the computer again... before i know it, he's awake again. when you don't know what's wrong - blame teething. i've been writing this short little entry for nearly two hours now and i'm sick and tired of it. so, i'm giving up and going to bed!

pedeja diena sini gada

nupat ir iesakusies pedeja si gada diena. 12:24. pec 24 stundam (latvija tas jau bus pec 17 stundam...) mes, kur nu kurais, atzimesim 2006. gada sakumu. daziem bus uzdzive un ballesanas, citiem kontemplativs vakars draugu pulka; daziem kartiga mielosanas, citiem vientuliba un klusums, bet lai nu ko mes kurs nedaritu, laikam jau mes visi tomer kaut ka atzimejam so gadu mainu. vel viens punktins dzives plusma. pauze. moments. pieturas punkts.

kaspars vakar nakti atkal janoja un man sodien ir bijusi tada nedaudz nesakariga un noguruma pilna diena. bet esmu vairakkart esmu sedejusi, kasparu midzinadama, domajusi par pagajuso sini gada, par prieksa stavoso jaunaja, par tuviem un taliem, miliem cilvekiem, par navi un dzivi un visu to, kas starp tam plust it ka sava pasplusma . . . un cik biezi es neieveroju to sakartotibu, to absoluti idealo iekartojumu, ko dievs, it ka aizkulises stradadams mana dzive ieliek. pateiciba un uzticesanas - kaut jaunais gads mums biezak lautu ar tam sastapties!

sezu pie datora, klausos, ka pa 'baby monitor' klausuliti skan jaunais daniel lanois ieraksts. baigais miers. visi gul. kaspars ari beidzot ir noluzis. man domas plust nevaldama atruma. gribetos rakstit un rakstit, bet nespeju ieturet isto tempu. rokas nepej lidzi tikt domu gajienam. laikam bus jaiet vien gulet, lai rit varam vel so to paveikt pirms sim gadam oficiali tiek parvilta svitra. lai jums visiem ir skaista veca gada pedeja diena un lai jaunais gads nak ar jaunam atklasmem un brinumiem!

gifts

kaspar and i spent half the day sorting through christmas gifts, which was mostly his toys and new clothes. it's unbelievable how many clothes and toys this kid has acquired in his 5 months!
absolutely astounding! the rate at which he grows out of clothes is quite astounding, as well. only two months ago his godparents brought him some gorgeous wool socks (yes, the hand knitted type) from latvia. at the end of october they were too large. yesterday i packed them away, because they don't fit any more. shocking, but true!

speaking of gifts... we have been totally spoiled this christmas. thanks to all of you! we have been showered with 'laima chocolates' and latvian 'dzintars' products for babies, moms and dads. the favourite toy for all ages - the elephant pillow has been a massive hit. it seems that the elephant has been photographed more then kaspar himself over the past few days. i'm not sure if kaspar will even get his hands on it, because his parents and friends like it way too much! and then there is the talking caterpillar and mountains of clothes and the coolest baby sun glasses... i'm not planning to write a list, as that would be totally boring for me and even more of a bore for you...but thanks!

speaking of growing children... kaspar has outgrown his car seat. that was not supposed to happen until he was 8 months or so. he's too tall. he's already 75 cm. tall and lanky kid! we need to get the next seat a.s.a.p., which is the one that will last him until he turns four or five or something like that. but with our luck, he'll probably grow out of it by age three. anyhow. that's our next outing - a search for a car seat. (thanks to grandparents and great grandparents we have that coming as a christmas gift, as well!) i hate the thought that i'll have to lug him out of the seat every time he leaves the car. yuck. it was so much easier, when we could just carry him inside with the seat and let him wake up slowly. or being able to stick him into a cart, with the seat, and go shopping. no more! those days are over! he's starting to sit by himself. he's discovered the fun of sitting and standing, so, lying on his back is no longer considered fun. bath by itself is no longer fun, either. we now need a bath tub full of bath toys! the infant days are long gone. the baby days are coming to an end. we are getting into the toddler phase. another month from now he might be crawling. and then walking and talking and ooooohhhhhh la la.... it's all happening too fast! i'm beginning to understand the mothers and fathers, who coo over infants and say things like "they grow up so fast!" or "i can hardly remember the days when mine were this age" (even if their kids are only two!) once upon a time i thought it was all a bit of a cliche. how ignorant of me!

speaking of ignorance...i've always known that tabbouleh can be made with bulgur wheat or cous cous, but recently a friend told me she uses quinoa. i had heard about the grain, but i never really knew much about it. well, it turns out that the little known quinoa is pretty much a miracle grain. you have to read about it to believe it... and it tastes great. since i've been making all of kaspar's food from scratch, i've been able to try out different vegetables and grains and such. now i've started to mix the quinoa with vegetables for kaspar. especially the ones he does not like. for example carrots - he will not eat carrots on their own, but mixed with quinoa they go down very well. he seems to love the taste of this fine little grain! and i love the internet. especially when it comes to finding information about random things like this. how did we ever live without it? how did one remember how long the turkey needs to roast? what the weather is like in china? what the people in helsinki nightclubs wear? or what i have to ramble on about today?

this and that and nothing really

hm. is it really the 28th? it is. how is it that over the holidays the days seem to be skipping dates. i could have sworn that yesterday was boxing day. what happened to the 27th? this is a 'night shot' picture of our christmas tree. i like the mysterious night shot pics!

today it rained. any other year, having rain over christmas, would have made me feel totally ripped off. however, this year i've been welcoming the +5 temperatures on christmas eve and even the last few warm days with rain and all. it's so much easier to take a child outside, when the temperature hovers around zero. especially my child, who hates snow suits and mittens and all that jazz. and of course, i hate having to torture him and dress him before we go out. so, the less to wear, the better in my books. white christmas is overrated, anyhow. we had a whole month of gorgeous white snow. then it melted and got warm. but on christmas day we were assaulted by snow flakes the size of kaspar's fist. truly. honestly. i'm not exaggerating, either. wet large snow flakes. well, maybe calling them snow flakes is a bit much. they were more like wet flat snow balls. coming down by the millions. we were on the highway, just on our way home from a gorgeous, yet long day (especially for kaspar) with our family, when the snow began. it took us nearly two hours to get home and kaspar was not happy about it. i hate having a screaming baby strapped in a car seat and a law that won't allow me to take him out of it. if you've never experienced it, believe me, it ain't pretty!


so. today being the 28th, i can say that christmas is over, right? i'm ready for it to be over. i think we have been to four christmas dinners, four parties and met with a few friends on a more casual basis, within the space of one week. and that's after turning down a few invites and not making it to a few others... now i just want to be at home. i think our baby boy is ready for some time out, too. he's still teething, sleeping very little and feeling quite out of sorts. i would too, if it was my first christmas! if it's overwhelming for us, it must be so much more overwhelming for kaspar. i'm glad that we've been able to leave him at home once or twice with mutti. it's so good to have her around!

merry christmas everyone!

here is happy, happier and happiest....

my predictions were correct. i've had no time to write over the past few days. between all the eating and driving and partying, we barely have had time to sleep. :-) in fact, i don't really have any energy to write tonight, either.... but, i hope you are having a blissful christmas day, wherever you are. i wish you all a happy, merry, beautiful christmas and a wonderful new year!

i can smell it and taste it... it's that close

you know how some smells or foods remind you of home, or your childhood, or some other specific place? there is one thing that truly rings in christmas for me. it's baking "piparkukas" (the latvian version of ginger bread cookies). in latvian it means 'pepper cakes'. and the cookie does hold true to it's name. they're more peppery and spicy then ginger bread. i love them. especially my mom's version. but i think that every kid loves their own mom's version of "piparkukas" or "piragi" (which are another christmas thing for me. they're little bacon buns. shaped like perogies. but not boiled. baked.) this year unfortunately, my mother is in toronto and her piparkuku recipie is back home in latvia. she's borrowed a recipie from our latvian neighbour (who also has very good piparkukas!) and now has spent the last three hours trying the doe out, mixing a little of this and that. trying it out again. adding some magic potion again. and so on... i wonder how long it will take before she's satisfied. my mother is a perfectionist, in some ways at least! i've just spent the last two hours sitting in the corner of the kitchen with a glass of milk, trying a cookie from each pan, doing the taste test. helping spread the egg on the tops, before they go into the oven. i'm trying to remember the cookies from my childhood. but what i do remember is my mom and dad caramelizing sugar for her cookies. my dad being stressed out about it not being dark enough. and myself being told not to leave the chair, because hot, melted sugar is not something i would want to feel on my skin. i love those old bits of memories from long ago. just like old pictures. we recently got some old pictures of steve from his mom. they're great! the old colour schemes. yellowed backgrounds. and clothing from a whole different era. i always wonder what my pictures will be like another forty years from now?

kaspar's second tooth came in yesterday. it must have broken through over the course of the night. in the morning we were finishing our christmas cards and kaspar was sitting in my lap trying to bite the envelopes and the pen and finally he sunk his teeth into my palm. yikes. now he has two little sharp, ridged edges on the bottom of his jaw. his bites now hurt. our necks suffer. so do our hands. his own fingers do, too. but, he likes to bite more then ever. is that a sign that there are more to come?

tonight we had some friends over and kaspar opened his first christmas present. it was this awesome bowl, in the shape of a car and it makes car noises, when you touch it with a spoon or move it. i wish they would have had those when i was a kid! i remember my making car noises as the spoon apporached my little brother's mouth. and when my sister was old enough to eat, i had to do the same. what will i do with my well trained skills of making car sounds now? he's got a bowl and a spoon that does it all!!!

untitled

ok. i'm sitting here and typing and deleting and typing again and erasing again. stupid, really. wasting time. i cannot think of a title for this one. i really don't yet know what i'm going to write. so. no title.

kaspar and i have had a few action packed days. yesterday we went christmas shopping. we left dad at home and went shopping with my mom. it was hellish. the last week before christmas. i should have known it would be bad! but, we managed. and even got a few things from 'the list'. thank god, our list is quite short and most of our gifts are going to be handmade! but, i must tell you, the whole mall experience was excruciating. people wandering about like lost sheep. oh. the crowds, the mess, the air, the noise... never again. i will never again leave christmas shopping to the last week. i do say that every year, don't i? well, maybe i'll learn one of these years :-)

today i was participating in a christmas concert (no, not singing! i can't sing.) with some poetry readings and kaspar came, too. i got him all dressed up in his white dress shirt, and his red overalls and his fantastic little, leather dress shoes.
he was looking rather peachy! and for a while he kept clean, but by the end of the concert i had to take the shirt off. most of the time now his shirts have to be changed every couple of hours. yup, he's teething! well, during the concert he hung out at the back with my mom and became quite vocal when he heard my voice over the speakers. the poor lad was quite perplexed to have my voice come out at him from a speaker near his head. he kept turning around to see where i was. even from a far i could see him turning sideways trying to figure out the whole thing. funny. the world must be so confusing for a little guy! well. here is a picture of us, just before we left for the show.

and now i'm off to bed. i'm not sure how much blogging i will do over the next few days. i'm just a bit overrun with things to do - christmas busyness. you know, the usual... work parties, gift wrapping, card writing etc.