not as innocent

Stella knows how to play the game. Oh, yes. She does!!! She's not as innocent as she seems...

I remember Kaspar at two and a half throwing tantrums... did he ever! But Stella beats Kaspar by a mile. I used to think that somehow... maybe... perhaps... hopefully I had paid my dues with Kaspar. Stella will be the perfect little two year old girl. Not a chance! She's just a late bloomer on the "tantrum throwing stage" of two year olds. She knows how to play the game!

Today I picked the kids up at daycare, just as usual, and we headed home. It's not much of a walk home. Maybe about a quarter block? We cross a street and pass four houses and land on our front steps. Yes, a blessing indeed!

Today it started about a meter outside the daycare door. Well, maybe it had started already at daycare, but I cannot vouch for that :-) She was not happy! And she DOES show it, when she's not happy. We managed to get out the door, when Stella erupted with her demands of staying on the sidewalk and not letting one of the other mothers pass with her stroller. After a lot of calm talking and "mirroring" (a technique I'm learning, and it seems to help, but it's hard on parents... it's hard to learn end even harder to practice in times of distress) she finally let the stroller pass, but the two of us were instantly on battle ground. And I knew we were in for some bad temper...

By the time we got to the street and had to cross it, she dropped a toy in the puddle (full of tire, gas and oil residue, I'm sure~) and as soon as she piked it up she attempted to put it in her mouth. Of curse, instinctively I stopped her hand on the way to her mouth and took the toy. But kids do not understand parental logic like that. No, they do not! Big mistake on my part. I probably should have let her lick and suck the toy bottle and not give a hoot. Right?

What do you think followed?
I'll let you guess... yes...

She dropped her body onto the middle of the street, limp, screeching, crying, frantic, face down in a rain covered and wet Windermere Avenue with cars approaching fast on both sides. I took a moment. Took a deep breath. Grabbed my kicking, screaming, wiggling child by an arm and a leg and carried her just like that, barely holding on to that one moving arm and one kicking leg all the way to my house. I'm sure the neighbours were baffled. I don't care much anymore what others think, but these types of tantrums with my kids still baffle me. And she's not my first! I should be more understanding, should I not? I should have tried the mirroring, the calm techniques. I should have... but sometimes we react instinctively. She continued her crying and kicking for another 20 minutes and then just as it had begun, it ended and everything was absolutely perfect, happy and good for the rest of the night. Maybe the temper tantrums are just an instinctive reaction to something that is happening outside of their control and understanding as well?

I really do NOT want to admit that I make MISTAKES as a parent, but I do.

she will remain in our memories...

Our one and only great-grandmother or Oma-ma passed away yesterday. She will be dearly missed! I feel like my kids have been so blessed to have had a chance to know her, even if it was only for a short time in their lives. I still clearly remember my great-grandmothers and they passed away when I was three, five and six. Maybe Stella's memories of Oma-ma will be rather cloudy and sparse, but I'm sure that Kaspar will remember her well. I often rush out to work in the mornings, and was not there when Steve had to explain the whole 'passing away' idea to the kids, but, surprisingly Kaspar took it with the utmost seriousness and with a very broad understanding of what it means. Stella, well she's a hit and miss right now. I'm not sure she gets it quite yet. She most certainly does not show it, if she does. I was contemplating for a few hours this morning, while lying in bed with the kids, if we should take them to the funeral. I've attended a whole lot of funerals as a kid and generally speaking, I'm not against taking kids to funerals... however, this time I've decided not to for very selfish reasons. I want to have the time to say goodbye to Oma-ma without having to entertain my kids. I hope they'll forgive me.

birthday

Time has got the better of me. Kaspar turned five! I still cannot believe that I have a five year old kid!!!

Since it had been two years with no birthday parties for him, we decided to throw one, especially since this was the first year when Kaspar actually made choices and decisions about who to invite.

There was cake with Star Wars characters whose light sabers light up. There were loot bags and party hats (except that mom was not aware of the fact that party hats are NOT COOL!) and balloons and an orange bowl of even more orange "cheesies" and pizza and apple juice, of course ... and a gym size room full of toys and racing cars and an indoor park / climbing gym. Oh, what a party!!!

By the end of the four hours I was so exhausted that despite the three 'grande' coffees from Starbucks (close proximity) and a latte drunk at home before the party, I was pretty much ready to fall under the table and pass out. I was so thrilled that a few friends of mine stuck around and helped Kaspar build his newly aquired Lego bots and ships. I love Lego, but let me tell you... I'm NOT game after a party for ten five year old rug rats!

boys and girls

A year ago in August we spent a few days with our friends in Seattle and watched Kaspar bond with a girl (their daughter), who seemed to be his soul mate. Before that week, I had somehow always thought that kids play with other kids without much thought of what they like or don't like... they just play. Did that ever prove to be wrong!!! I had never seen my kid so thrilled to be in the company of another human being. I had never listened to a conversation between two four year old's where they finish each others sentences and most of the time seem to understand each other without words. Truly, I did not know this type of interaction existed between kids.

For weeks and weeks after our return to Toronto he spoke of her with such affection that it broke my heart. He made cards and painted pictures for her. He kept asking for me to put up the pictures from the Seattle trip on the computer. And.... then.... after a while he forgot... and moved on.

But this past week-end was a wedding out in cottage country and Kaspar's girl was going to be there with her family. I was curious if the two of them had changed and grown apart. After all... it had only been a matter of days that they had interacted nearly a year ago. Time changes people. Does it not? Especially 4 and 5 year old kids. For them a year is a life time. It's a quarter of their little lives. Can you imagine a quarter of your life?

The first night when we arrived (rather late) ... we still needed to set up the tent and unload and the mosquitoes were abominable. They hardly interacted, of course. I watched. I took note. There was a newly present "shyness" that my son had developed quite suddenly, when Lilja appeared in the yard. They were unsure. It was late. I was tired. So were my kids.

And then the next day arrived... and Kaspar and Lilja were the same two people I had watched a year ago. Two little people entirely on the same page. Two little people, seemingly hard wired the same way. Two little people spending time together... and loving every moment of it.

After the week-end, when we arrived home late on Sunday night and I carried Kaspar up to his bed, seemingly fast asleep from the car ride, he suddenly said : "Mommy, I want Lilja to be with me every day. I miss her already." and then he just collapsed in my arms and fell back asleep.

I sat there, perplexed for a moment on the side of his bed. It's unbelievable... this bond these two kids seem to have.

Stella is very determined, very sure of what she wants and amazingly good at judging situations and people. In some ways she has been that way since she was born, but more recently it's very noticable, because she is talking in full sentences and is able to be very assertive, when needed (or not needed... depending on one's pint of view, I guess). I remember taking this picture of her... she really wanted to go down by the river and I was afraid to let her go on her own especially because the mud on the bank was thick as sludge and slippery. But she was determined to BE THERE with all the big kids. After accosting me for a number of minutes with her: "I'm a big BOY! I can ply with mud and water! I know I NO slip and fall!" She just slipped quietly from my hand and was down the bank before I could even say: "Stella, no!" Yup... she calls herself a BIG BOY and gets very upset if we try to tell her that she is a big girl. We have had these discussions with her about the differences between a boy and a girl, but there is no way she is going to give in and not keep up with her brother. Unless he agrees to be a big girl, Stella will for now keep being a big boy. :-)

hot

Oh it is hot, hot, hot... hot! Very hot. And humid, too. Everyone has been a little cranky, especially me. The kids, too. Nights have been hard. Waking up from the heat... with the sheets soaked under you is not a pleasant feeling.

But today I came home to a relatively cool house thanks to Steve who managed to pick up a couple of used window AC units last night and we have locked the windows and doors and fortressed ourselves in our house. Thank God for air-conditioning! As much as I don't like to use it, some weather simply demands it.

I loved this picture with the shadow of the fence over their faces. But it was taken days before the heat wave hit.

I've been going through pictures...

Some relationships are very obvious...

Others... well, I'll let you guess...

longest day and shortest night

Latvians, keeping true to their pagan roots still celebrate Jani, summer solstice, as one of the biggest holidays of the year. In Latvia, I believe, they get something along the lines of 5 days off work for Jani!

Well, we worked hard this year at taking part in some of those traditions as well. Unfortunately, in Canada we do not get a day off for the 23/24th of June, so, Latvians here celebrate it on the closest week-end, or, if it conveniently falls in mid week, we celebrate for two week-ends in a row. After all, we need to keep up with those Latvians in Latvia.... don't we?

I took Kaspar and Stella to both of the parties. We had a great time! I was surprised that even though Stella is only two and a half, she can keep up with Kaspar quite easily. They stayed up until about 10.30 the fist Saturday and managed to be up until 11.30 the next Saturday. By the time they hit their teens, no doubt they'll be able to sing 'till sunrise.

stella bella

From day one, when Stella started attending her current daycare she has favoured her teacher Beatrice. Beatrice not only calls her Stella-Bella, a name which Stella has grown very fond of, but Beatrice is also "Stella's best friend!" It is very cute watching them say bye to each other at the end of the day. There is the ususal "Bye, bye, my Best friend!" and the "I love you, Beatrice!" Followed by "Who is my Best friend?" and the "I am, I am, I am Beatrice's best friend!"

Beatrice is a gorgeous, tall black woman (Jamaican, I think) who dresses with utmost care every single day. If you met her on the street it would never ever cross your mind that this woman spends the day working with a handful of snotty toddlers, changing diapers and wiping up spills. I honestly think that her influence on Stella goes way beyond "best friends" or "stella-bella". Just look at this picture! Stella dressed herself for daycare this morning and I did not have the heart to make her get changed. I figure I might as well let her express herself now, maybe she will rebel less when she's a teenager.

A few weeks ago in the middle of the summer heat wave, Stella decided that she will be going to school in tights, long pants (Yeah, on top of the tights), a down filled vest and a pair of gloves. Occasionally I do have to insist on a change of clothes for her own good, but it never goes over too well. It taught me a lesson - pack away winter clothes for the summer...

toast

A few days ago, while making my coffee, I hear Stella saying: "That's not toast!" I usually do not take these comments too seriously. My reply is pretty generic (to all her "That's NOT... comments"): "Of course, Stella, it's not toast." Most mornings that is exactly what she needs to hear. However, this morning it throws her nearly into a tantrum. After a few minutes she repeats: "That's not toast, mommy!" Even though I still have no clue what she's talking about, I repeat: "Yes, Stella, it's not toast. It's porridge." She bursts into another bout of complete frustration. And keeps repeating the same thing: "That's not toast, mommy!" This time I glance over and see her pointing at the computer. I still don't get it. "No, love, that's not toast. It's a computer." Same reaction... only this time she flings herself onto the floor and starts screaming something completely incomprehensible about toast. I'm beginning to loose my patience. Seriously... How many times can I take this in one morning? She's probably feeling the same way, unfortunately. So, I take a deep breath and plug along with breakfast. After a while Kaspar wonders down the stairs and he solves the mystery. Right there on the computer screen is a picture of our recently busted up Volvo. It turns out that all along she has been pointing at the small picture of the Volvo on the computer and telling me: "That's not toast, mommy!" Did I ever feel stupid!!! If only I had taken the time to pay closer attention from the first moment on, I would have caught on. It was funny and tragic all at once. It made me feel really bad for being the busy body mother that hardly pays attention to my kid. Yet, on the other hand, it was a mystery only my four year old could have solved so immediately. The only thing that was harder then trying to understand the comment was trying to explain in what instance one would call a "car" - "toast".