sick & tired

oh. i’m tired. so very very tired. last night sleep was a deficit. kaspar slept, but barely. kept waking every half hour or just tossing and turning. i didn’t sleep much at all. between the times, when i was holding him and the times, when i was trying to make sure he does not wake up, i might have had a few minutes of shut eye. finally at 6am my mom gave me a break and i slept for an hour. bless her soul, i don’t know what i would do without her!!!

yeah, he’s still sick. we finally went to see a doctor (just our luck, that our doctor was away this week) at the ‘just for kids clinic’ on monday. he appeared to be healthy, said the doctor, but due to the prolonged fever made us take some tests. oh. it’s absolutely grueling having to hold your screaming child while his blood is being taken from the tiny arm. and the vein is so very small, that it makes you wonder how the nurse can even see it. and the needle going into the arm so big. oh man! he was hot and sweaty from screaming and i was too, just from listening him scream. i had a massive headache afterwards, too. and kaspar developed a runny nose and a cough. I don’t think it was the needle. not the heat. i’m blaming it on all the other sick kids in close proximity. germs, germs, germs!!!

the clinic had a small-ish sized waiting room with a large structure in the middle of the room, like a small play house. the room was packed full of sick children and their distraught parents and the temperature in the room was a good 5-6 degrees above 20+ celsius. yeah! imagine… it was like florida on a hot spring day! and all the kids were dressed for winter, hot and miserable and sick. we had to wait for our turn to see the doctor for about an hour and a half. it was pretty bad. i took kaspar out into the hallway for most of the time, because it was a little cooler there and less intense. the kids, who were old enough to be crawling, were on the floor of the waiting room on all fours. do you have any idea how much dirt a sweaty palm can pick up? or the knees of a white sleeper? boy, oh boy…. were those floors dirty. one of the kids, wearing a pale blue sleeper was gray in minutes! no, i’m not exaggerating. he was so dirty that one might wonder if he had been living in the same sleeper for months. it all happened right in front of my eyes. crazy!

these days i really admire women that bring up two, three, four kids on their own (or mostly on their own). there was this one mother at the clinic, waiting. she was probably my age. pregnant – probably at least six months. she had a year old and a three year old with her. apparently there was another older girl at home and then the one she was expecting. and she handled it just fine. i was so impressed with her ability to cope and handle the kids and the heat and everything. it was amazing. no, forgive me. SHE was amazing!

anyhow… i could talk about the four hour long hospital experience for another day or two, but i’ll spare you. I do have to say one more thing, though. the doctor was awesome. thorough. nice. intelligent. listened. asked questions. absolutely great!

but, speaking of doctors. do any of you have a good family doctor, who still accepts new patients? or maybe you can beg, plead, coerce, threaten or pay off your nice family doctor to accept two more very nice patients  we’re losing our family doctor. she’s going back to school and closing her practice. i’m devastated. i had heard that getting a new doctor can be very hard, but i had never imagined that it might be this hard. i have been cold calling many of the doctors in our neighbourhood (wider neighbourhood – all the way to spadina and bloor!) with no luck at all. there is simply one answer: we’re not accepting new patients! misery oh misery. i want a family doctor! i don’t want to go to the hospital every time kaspar is sick. help…

what else have we got on the go at this household? i’ve finally done taxes. not only taxes for myself, but for steve too. and not only for this year, but for 2004, as well. yeah. the pregnancy really threw us off last year. we never did taxes for 2004. yikes! i feel like i’ve just moved a mountain and i want someone to give me a pat on the back for the job well done. i don’t think most of you understand the undertaking of having to do taxes for steve. the man piles all his bills in a box for the whole year (this time for two years), without any rhyme or reason and then come tax season, he has to go through them all, record them, count them and file them accordingly. it’s nuts! it took me about 18 hours to get it all organized. after two years in a box (and i’m sure before the box, it must have been at least a week in a wallet in the back pocket of the pants!) some bills become unreadable! the ink simply is not meant to last the torture  but, i’m proud to say, i’ve organized a file for future tax dealings for steve. i just hope he’ll use it. or i’ll have to start charging him accounting fees. hi, hi, hi!

oh boy. i’ve done quite the rant today. must be the lack of sleep. anyone looking for an apartment or a station wagon? our basement neighbour is moving out. just found out last night. and we’re trying to get rid of our old car. probably both, in fact. but that’s a story for another day. i think i will go for a nap now.

the little things

whenever i open up my last entry, i'm always surprised - has it really been five days since i wrote? maybe i'm missing an entry. maybe i deleted it by mistake. maybe someone infiltrated the blog and stole my last post... oh. time. time. time. the days pass so quickly. i was going to write on monday. but i had to set up and resp for kaspar. and that was no simple task. well. maybe i'm exaggerating just a little. but, i did have to do some research and organize the whole thing and read a bunch of forms and fill out a stack of applications and make a few appointments. did you know that the canadian government adds 20% to whatever we save for kaspar every year? not bad! free $$$. well. maybe free is not really the right word. i assume that the canadian government expects this cash to go back into the school system by the time kaspar is 18 or so. and if by some fluke it does not, then the government will tax me up to 60% of whatever we decide to take out for other reasons. all these rules and regulations. who can figure it all out. i just hope this kid of ours will want to go to school, when he's 18 :-)

on tuesday i was going to write, but i procrastinated for a while. my christmas cactuses... ( by the way, i'm planning to officially apply for a change of name for this species for plants! my cacti have been blooming non stop from november of 2005 until now. it's hardly fair calling them christmas cacti!) well, i noticed that all the fallen blossoms were starting to look like a mess on the shelf in the window. i began cleaning up and giving all the plants a little shower time and some extra soaking. then i had to bleach some spots on the shelf, because the red blossoms actually have some strong dyes in them and by the time i had that task finished, kaspar came down with a fever of 40.4 degrees celsius.
go figure! it must be teething, because otherwise he seems to be healthy, even our doctor could find nothing wrong with him. but due to the high fever he had his first taste of real medicine, which knocked the 40.4 down to 36.1 within about half hour. he went from hot and red to very wet, cool and pale. i could finally put him down, out of my arms, onto the bed... and we both slept long and hard.

wednesday i tortured kaspar by keeping him indoors. after such a high fever, i thought, i'd better be safe then sorry. but every time he'd hear the door bell he'd start calling out and waving his little hand in the air. it seems as though the waving of 'bye, bye' has become a sign for 'going outside' for him. it makes sense in away. we usually wave 'bye, bye' to dad, when he goes outside... so, why would it not mean 'going out'? then, the post man came with a package. i had to sign for it. kaspar practically jumped into the postman's arms. he wanted to go outside so much that he was willing to give himself over to a complete stranger and was thoroughly disappointed, when i locked the door behind him and we stayed on this side of the glass. but i did make up for the indoor time with a whole day out of the house yesterday. we left at about 10am and only returned at 4pm. kaspar was thrilled! exhausted, but thrilled...

spectacular

oh. today was a spectacular day! the sun was spilling over. the air was brimming with spring. the dogs and kids and parents and birds were out chirping and chatting and laughing and strolling. the funeral home barometer was reading +20 at times, but never went below +16. we went walking, too, and walk we did... until kaspar began to look drunk with sleep. he began by rubbing his eyes, then leaning further and further back, once in a while trying to straighten himself, as though to say "i'm not falling asleep, no i'm not!" and finally after a half hour fight he passed out in the stroller. this is a very rare sight! these days he likes to watch the world go by. he doesn't really sleep in the stroller anymore. but we spent a long time out and about and finally bloor street did him in. he was so tired that he fell sleep clutching a toy and i took him from the stroller to the bed (in the back door, up the stairs..) he never woke up and never let the toy go. an hour later he woke up still holding on to his toy. amazing!

his top front teeth are growing by the day! they're coming in so fast and so big. frightening, really! he still won't let me touch them, so a picture will come, when he begins to show them voluntarily to the world. today was finally a day when he was acting somewhat normal. yesterday was one of those days, when he slept more then he was awake. the day before that, he did not allow me to put him down for more then a minute at a time. and on friday he would cry whenever anything touched his mouth (which meant, he did not really eat anything else except breast milk, and was cranky from hunger!) i cannot wait until this teething period is over. at least he does not drool as much, anymore. i don't have to change outfits every couple of hours. :-)

today has been one of those days that makes one feel extremely positive. the weather. people. lots of love in the air. and i keep thinking about something i experienced a few days ago, too. something that moved me to tears, really. a friend of mine called. she had found out about the juno nomination, about the ticket prices being expensive and offered me (out of the blue!) 300$ (to have - not to borrow!), so that i could go to the juno's if i wanted to. it moved me to tears. yeah, i hung up the phone and i cried. not because of the money. i did not really want it or need it. not because of the idea that i could go. because i don't really care about going or not. but, just that she thought about me, and felt for me on that level... and because she's not even close to being rich. and she's not my best or oldest friend. she made me feel so extremely blessed that i have friends like her, that there are people out there in the world, who are willing to share their last penny with their friends. we live such busy lives that so often we forget to think about others on a deeper level... we live considerably well and yet we rarely see the need to share our wealth with others... she made me see it!

here's only the beginning

i've always known my house is very far from baby-proofed. but yesterday i still thought that the day, when kaspar might be old enough to cause damage is still a few months off. was i ever wrong.... just take a look at this picture.i left the little bugger for approximately 3 minutes in the living room, playing with his toys, while i went to the kitchen to add some milk to my tea. and i came back to this site - him turning the knobs on steve's stereo. just wait 'till dad sees this one! ha!!! priceless, just look at the innocent face! it's unfathomable how fast he manages to find the little things around the house, that are not meant for him. i cannot tell you yet, if i'm happy or saddened by the fact that he's crawling. :-) it's great to see him become mobile and grow. but, it's going to be such a pain having to chase the kid around the house. i can just see it... i can!

yeah, he's moving more and more. becoming more independent. also adding more and more bruises to his repertoire. the night before last he fell out of our bed. i was so glad it's low, just a mattress on the floor. he did have a scare, but didn't really hurt himself. however, now he knows that the edge of the bed is not to be fooled with. he did learn! with just one fall, he figured it out. now he bounces around and rolls, but as soon as he comes close to the edge, halts to a full stop and starts whining.... as in almost asking 'come save me!'.

he's also babbling a lot more. he's picked up this one word that my mom and i use around him a lot. it's 'see' in latvian 'redzi'. for the last three days he's been often babbling 'edzi' 'edzi' while playing. i think it might just be something he's picked up and now is using it without really knowing how to use it.

his front teeth are growing so fast. since they broke the gum a week ago, a nice visible edge has appeared. they look so big. the gum is almost see through and it looks so painful. i'd hate to be in his shoes! i have a feeling it still is painful. he's reluctant to bite into things. the last few days he's only been holding the things he used to chew on....

well... i've got to go. steve's back. he's working on a movie tonight. have a great day, all you fellow people across the ocean. :-)

wake up call

what do you do between 5am and 6am? most people sleep, i presume. most normal people... most of those without insomnia, at least... not i! this is kaspar and me (of course behind the camera) at 5:30 this morning. yeah. his favourite time to play is about 6am or so. some mornings a little earlier, some a little later. and i'm no game at that hour. i try really hard, i do, but very often rabbits get called ducks and elephants go galloping not horses and chickens say quack, quack... how can anyone keep up with a kid at that hour of the morning, or, night i should say? the big elephant pillow is my favourite toy. at least i can lay my head on it during those early morning play dates :-)

elliott brood got the rising start award at the indie music awards. unexpected victories! they play tonight. in a couple of hours. i'll try to make it out, i think. last chance to see them in toronto for a while. they have most of the next four months booked on the road, less three and a half weeks. the price of fame!

it was a gorgeous, sunny, warm day. we spent most of the day out, even though kaspar had barely slept last night. he was in an awesome mood, though. i love going out with him - he loves company and is always better outside the house, then he is at home. (i get the feeling he gets bored at home!) both of this top front teeth have fully broken through the gum (that's teeth no.3 and no 4), little white jagged lines. he probably will start feeling better now... knock, knock, knock!

lethargic

that's a word, isn't it? lethargic. yeah. it's a word. and that word describes me. (sometimes i have to be careful with some words. last week was a good example - i was trying to say octogenarian, but i said octovarian. and i had no ovaries in mind, believe me!) but tonight i feel so very lethargic, that it took me 45 minutes to simply sit down and write the first word for this entry. oh. boy.

it was one of those crazy days, when you wake up feeling like you have so much to do, that you just jump out of bed and get to it. i did. shortly after 7am. i had to get the extra 45 of sleep, because i was pretty much up from 3am until 6am trying to keep kaspar out of the four corners of the crib. he was thrashing and turning and fussing forever. he'd corner himself pretty much every 15 minutes and wake me up complaining about it. i'd put him back in the middle of the crib and within about 15 minutes it would be the same thing all over again. steve, of course, slept soundly through the whole ordeal. lucky bugger! so, at 6am it was daddy's turn. they came downstairs to hang out and watch cartoons while i did a 45 min snooze sandwiched between two pillows. but by 7:30 i had a coffee in one hand and a mouse in the other and i was workin' away. the TOAE applications (that's toronto outdoor art exhibition) were due today. it's been two years since i've been in it and i would very much like to get in this year. so, i've been working, working, working. this morning i still had to go through about 150 pictures, write artist's statement, resume, biography, fill out forms, burn cd and get the whole thing ready by 2pm. it was rough. especially after i realized that half of my carefully shot pictures were blurry and it was -10 outside, and my only diffused light source was the great outdoors. but, i did it. i did finish the applications and sent them off to 401 richmond with steve. he was on his way to independent music awards night (it's not the juno's, not yet) i don't really know what these indie awards are all about. i've never heard of them. but i suppose that elliott brood didn't make them up. they're nominated. i'm sure i'll hear all about it tonight, when steve gets home. last night they got home from barcelona. spain was superb, i hear!

well. all that hear-say.... but i'm lazy tonight. after getting all the work done in the morning, i spent the rest of the day hanging out with kaspar. he was a bit on the cranky side. a bit feverish. a little 'not himself. who knows what was up his sleeve...

action

i'm trying to capture some action, here. it's not an easy task. kaspar has turned into the energizer bunny. once he's in this jolly jumper, there is no stopping the kid. i never thought this was possible. a few days ago he discovered that the jolly jumper is not only intended for lounging around in... i feel very sorry for our basement neighbour. i keep trying to put carpet and foam under the kids feet, but the thumping can be felt throughout the house. i don't understand how his little head can take so much jumping. at times i try to curb the activity and divert his attention to some other seemingly fun activity, but most of the time it fails. as soon as i try to take him out of the seat, he squirms and screams and it doesn't take long before he's won the fight. (frighteningly enough, him winning the fight happens way too often, these days!)

we've just had an absolutely crazy week-end. on saturday we had dim sum and two parties to attend. kaspar participated in only one of the events, but was so burned out by the end of the day that he fell asleep at 5pm and did not wake until 10pm. however, at 10pm, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. my mom was good enough to entertain him for two hours in the dark (just the nightlight on) until he got tired enough to go back to sleep. i was the lucky one. i got to go to my friend elviga's 40th all by myself. it's awesome to have a night out now and then! and it's even more awesome to have a grandmother baby-sit. i don't think i would trust anyone to baby-sit at this age.

kaspar has now proven countless times (including this week-end)that he will not go down for a nap, when there is entertainment to be had. he's going to be a social butterfly, if this continues. looking on the bright side of things - at least he's a very good sport about it. he spent the day at the party, missing first his noon nap due to the car trip, then his 4pm nap because there were too many women paying attention to him at the party, and during all this time he did not get cranky or upset or distressed. he was on his best behavior. by the very end, he did fall asleep in my lap, holding my finger, quietly zoned out. because of all the messed up saturday schedule, sunday was even more odd. he slept for three hours in the morning, then for an hour in the early afternoon and finally fell asleep at 5:30pm and did not fully wake up (except for eating) until 6:30am this morning. go figure!

i've got two deadlines on march 1st, which is the day after tomorrow. i only figured that out today. i kept thinking - it's only the 26th - four more days until the end of the month. so, instead of working, i lounged around with kaspar all day yesterday and borrowed two movies from my favourite neighbour and watched both of them last night while waiting for kaspar to wake up (which, of course, he never did!). today, i've had this panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach... got a lot done. i'm still hoping to make both of the show deadlines but the end of the day on wednesday. knock, knock, knock...

it's weird. march first. and i feel like the winter has just hit us. it was snowing today. a bit of snow, now and then, most of the day. snow and rain always throws me off, a little. makes me a bit sleepy and lazy. kaspar was just the same, today. slept a lot. march should ring in spring. it should, it should, it should... i wait impatiently for spring. for sweater weather. for crocuses and tulips in the yard. for that pale tint of green in the trees. but for now, it's snow, and i have to get back to work in the studio. a few more hours before i can call it a night!

ice cream and raspberries

yummmm, he had his first taste of ice cream (just a tiny bit on the end of a spoon) and a raspberry. you should have seen his face. priceless. the ice cream was one of those situations, where, as soon as the spoon left his mouth he jumped for it and grabbed on to it and refused to let go. as if the spoon itself seeped the sugary goodness. it kept him occupied for at least ten minutes. and then he finally figured it out, i think. the ice cream experience was followed closely by a raspberry. and that was an entirely different ball game. there was a yelp, a shrug and then, just as the final sour and juicy taste reached the back of his throat, he sort of trembled with his entire body and his face contorted in a weird grin... but he kept sucking on it (making these funny faces all the time) and finally swallowed it. as soon as his mouth was empty, he reached for the next one. we gave him two. two raspberries. it's awesome watching a child experience all these new tastes! at some point, a very long time ago, we all did the same thing... i can sort of remember it. i can sort of remember my first experience with gooseberries. and i can clearly remember my first taste of a banana. but that's a whole other story.

i'm baking two cakes, as we speak. we have two parties to attend tomorrow, a 60th and a 40th birthdays. and i'm baking a cake for each. it's a chocolate & rum & raspberry cake and i got the recipe (who am i kidding - i actually spent a day learning how to make it!) from a lady, who was marvelous at everything she touched. she was this absolutely amazing eighty year old (i believe she was 80 when i met her). she cooked, baked, sewed, knitted, kept herself in shape, kept her house freshly painted, helped families, children and women everywhere, did charity work for countless hours of the week, hung out with her grandchildren and if i was a family member, i could probably list a few dozen other things she accomplished. but most of all, she had this youthful way about her... she could relate to me, she did not judge, she was just a spectacular human being. and amidst all that, she still had time to spend a whole afternoon teaching me how to make a cake (i can cook, but i'm miserable at anything baked!). and she was only someone, who attended the same church i did. go figure! today i'm baking her cake and feeling like i owe her one. unfortunately, she passed away a couple of years ago, before i had a chance to tell her how much i admired her. but every time i bake this cake, i feel like i need to do something to keep her memory alive. in fact, i miss her! here is a toast to people like her. i hope that if i ever manage to reach 80+, i can do it as graciously and wonderfully as her!

all things green

i hear that people get addicted to blogging. i can see it, yeah. it's nice getting all these immediate responses from people. but i would only get addicted to reading other's blogs. i'm too lazy to be addicted to blogging myself. hi. hi. hi. a friend recently pointed out that the blog etiquette means, that you are supposed to respond to other people's comments on your blog. forgive me, but i was not aware of this until now. i will try to do just that from now on. notice, i'm stressing the word 'try'.

kaspar’s had a mellow day. even though, like most times, after i've written something positive about his sleeping habits, they were not so good last night. he was up very often. i don't count any more, or else i just get depressed about it. but, i wouldn't be me, if i didn't look for reasons. i figure this time i can blame broccoli. you have to blame something, you know. it just makes me feel better. and i'm sick of blaming teething. even if he still is teething. yeah, getting showered by my drooling child's saliva is something i've gotten used to. but... back to broccoli... this kid of ours is strange. he seems to really take to all things green. is it not the norm for kids to hate green vegetables? with him the love affair began early on with avocado. then about a week ago i discovered green peas. peas and rice, peas and rice… I always get the rheostatics song stuck in my head :-) (p.s. did you hear about the rheostatics? they're breaking up. local rumour mill...) and yesterday he had broccoli for the first time. loved it. but, maybe he did not sleep so well because of it. i don't do so well after broccoli. perhaps neither does he. or perhaps it's just something i can put the blame on. perhaps. it's 10:30 pm. i just spent the last two hours trying to put him to bed, but he's totally awake. at least he's totally happy. i hate the nights, when he cries. but, i've given up trying for now. he's just chilling in his bed and chatting away while i'm trying to finish this entry. i wonder when my little jumping bean will run out of steam...

oh, i feel the pressure... i feel it, i do!

oh, the pressure! yes, i know, i know... it's been a week. i'm sorry! i'm absolutely honoured to be so wanted by you :-) we have had quite a week since steve got home from tour. not only he's been hogging the computer, but i've also been working on pieces for a show that's coming up in march. then on the week-end we drove up north with some friends. monday and tuesday nights were spent with family, friends and neighbours. busy, busy lives, you see!

steve got home last week, the day after we found out about the juno nomination. he was thrilled. the whole band was on the ninth cloud, in fact! the tour had been incredible. they had played sold out venues, sold a whole lot of cd's and got a good stack of press. this week they're doing some cbc interviews and on friday they head out to barcelona. what a high! i'm feeling it, too, even if it isn't all that direct.... i get asked now and then, if i will go to the junos. the answer, unfortunately is - no. first of all, even if i was invited, kaspar wouldn't be. and the other thing - they are charging partners of juno nominees full ticket price for the event, which ends up being $450. i think that is absolutely outrageous! i have a million of things i'd much rather spend that kind of cash on... steve will have to party for both of us.

kaspar has been an absolute darling for the last week. he's been sleeping well. he's been eating everything from green peas to broccoli, mangos, strawberries and best of all - loving yogurt. he can eat an adult sized yogurt cup in one sitting and still ask for more. and he's starting to really get into playing. he'll happily sit on the floor with some toys and play. he's also learning how to crawl. the beginning stages of crawling have been more like shuffling backwards with chest flat on the floor, legs doing all the work. however, last week-end emils (he's almost four years old) was good enough to demonstrate the proper crawling position to kaspar. he picked up on it fast. now he's using arms and legs and the backwards crawl is going very well. i wonder how long it will take before he figures out how to move forward. i try to entice him with toys and things, but he only gets more and more frustrated as he's moving further and further away from the 'wanted' item. he just does not get it... poor kid! in this picture he's trying to chase emil's foot! if you look carefully you'll notice the white sock in the corner of the shot :-) yes, emils got away, because kaspar backed into the couch.

we spent the last week-end on healey lake. it was an annual event of a sorts for a few years but last year we all got too busy and skipped the wintry fun. it was nice to go again! our friends christina and erik own a cottage on healey lake, however, it's not winterized... so, we rent a cabin on the other end of the lake, right near the local 'lodge'. the lake is only a couple of hours north of toronto, but it's unbelievable how different the weather can be. we left toronto, early on saturday morning, snow-less, dry, cold and rather dark. only an hour north of the city the snow banks began growing and by the time we arrived in mctier (the town near healey lake) the snow banks on the sides of the road were at least a meter high. it also began to snow as soon as we left the city limits and it did not stop snowing for the two days while we were there. on sunday morning we measured almost a foot of the fresh white stuff on the driveway and began wondering if the snow plows will reach us before the evening. unfortunately they did... we were sad to leave the winter wonderland. however, some of us had to return back to work! here is an awesome snow shot of us out on he road. it's hard to believe that this was the main road leading to the lodge!!! toronto, on the other hand was just the same as we had left it. no sign of the mountains of snow we had in the north.

i've spent the better part of this week working on my new line of work, taking pictures, writing artist statements and organizing applications. it's that time of the year, when a lot of the show applications are due. a bit of stress. a bit of pressure. there is nothing like it to get me motivated and get stuff done. i know i've been promising pictures of work, so here are a couple. some are still pieces in progress. there are still many kinks to work out... but, i'm loving the studio time. it would be very hard to handle being home with kaspar, if i did not have my studio. i consider myself very lucky!

well on that happy note, i think i might end this photo issue. i'm thinking of watching either some figure skating or american idol. cbc was advertising tonight's shows - they said that tonight is the night to catch some sappy music, melodrama and skimpy outfits. apparently both of the shows offer that! :-) i'm not sure what to pick. sappy music, melodrama and skimpy outfits are not rally my cup of tea, but we only get two chanels and both seem to be showing just that. and i'm too lazy to walk the four blocks to rent a movie... lazy, yup!