so terribly sorry...

i'm so sorry. so very very sorry to have kept you all hanging for two days. i admit, that after the all-nighter i pulled last night i was very tempted to go to bed ... but the pangs of guilt... oh. so here it comes. at least a short note on the last few days.

the day before yesterday steve got home from his oh-so-very successful tour across the country and back. only the last show fell apart, because it seems there was a dead body on the road and no way to get around it. yes. it's true! they had to take a motel room and wait until the morning before the highway got reopened. that's rural canada for you!!! so, my reason for not writing that day - steve. how could i take a man's favourite toy away? he's been gone for weeks. no computer for days on end. there must have been millions of emails waiting... so, my blog was put on hold.

yesterday - day before my 'open house'. we spent the day cleaning, setting up, polishing, pricing, decorating. oh. so busy. steve was off to a show in oshawa in the afternoon. i stayed up doing some final polishing and finishing touches. at about 4am i finally called it a night only to wake up with kaspar at 4:30; 5:15; 6:02; 6:30 and finally 7:12 ... will he ever sleep?

but at 4am, as i was about to pass out, i pulled the curtains open and watched the snow land on the rooftops across the street. big white flakes. lots and lots of them, like bees, humming in the lamplight. it was beautiful! the snowstorm, over the course of the night, dumped about 12 cm of the fluffy white stuff on the city. all of a sudden everyhting wa so bright in the night. the unfortunate part was the morning, when i had to wake up and shovel the sidewalks before the school kids stomped through it and made it that much more impossible to shovel. oh, but even shoveling was great. so crisp and white and fresh out.

tonight was the first night of my open house / studio sale. it turned out quite nice. i'll take some pictures tomorrow, so that you all can see. tomorrow we'll be open from 10 am - 6 pm.

the few pictures today - me with a view from our bedroom window before the snow - sunspots in the bedroom (it's a great room with awesome light!!!) - and steve with kaspar both smiling (i'm not quite sure, if kaspar isn't just pretending...)

and i'm off to bed tonight. i'm not even proofing this or spell checking.... or else i'll fall asleep. goodnight!

just that kind of a day. gray.

i'll be first to admit. i'm cheating with the picture. it wasn't really taken today. astrida took it a few days ago, but i really like it. love it. so i thought i'll post it anyway. hope you all like it!

i had a little argument today about the weather (strange - the things one argues about!) and it made me think about this so called "chill factor", the "feels like" temperature, the "wind factor"... it's really a joke, you know! how do you measure what the temperature 'fells like'??? it might feel like -20 on the street, but more like -15 in my back yard. how do you prove these things? where do they measure the 'feels like' temperatures? is there the official 'feels like' temperature spot in the city? today it was -5 degrees out. on the weather network site they posted 'feels like -20' in bold lettering. is it just canada or do they use these antics elsewhere in the world? is it scare tactics, so that less people would go outside? or is it just for city people, so that they don't under dress, when they go out in the mornings? maybe it's a US invented tactic for canadians (who live so far in the north! practically near the north pole... ) so that we can brag to the relatives and friends in warmer climate zones - oh, yes, it was -20 out. so very cold. well, not really -20, but it felt like -20! they never had 'feels like' temperature readings where i grew up. sure. at times it feels colder. it's windy. or humid. or something. but.... let's get real people. it cannot be measured!!! can it?

we had this strange, strange day. lack of sleep mixed with lack of eating, producing cranky me and cranky baby. no, no, i ate like a horse, as usual. i eat for two these days - literally! but kaspar was off kilter. i managed to take a 2h nap, when my mom got in from work. i still have a hard time getting over guilty feelings, when i sleep during the day. it just feels so unproductive. but occasionally we have days like this one. sort of a 'write off' day. so, here i sit at 10pm, trying to get a few emails done, a few more hours of work, a few more words... tomorrow steve arrives home from his tour. he'll probably drop off his bags and be off to work within an hour or so. i'm having a studio sale at home on the week-end, so i hope to get more work done in the studio tomorrow. kaspar gets to hang out with his omamma for a day. so goes the life... i feel a little tired and cold and a bit sad. for no reason. just that kind of a day. gray.

discoveries - feet and ginger tea

he's dicovered his feet. yes! the socks don't stay on and if they do, then they get pretty wet and goobery. it's not enough just trying to smell the foot. oh no! first the big toe goes in. then, if he figures out how not to gagg himself, the rest of the toes get shoved in and before you know it, he's got half of his foot in his mouth. let me tell you, it's a funny obsession! absolutely hillarious to watch. he can be preoccupied for a good 45 minutes with his feet, if he's in a good mood. and he's been in a good mood pretty much all day... and obsessed with his feet pretty much all day. :-) this morning we had an ultrasound appointemnt at the hospital. he fell asleep in the doctors office while holding his foot up to his cheek. bizzare. where does that flexibility go? i certainly cannot perform tricks like this!

i, on the other hand, have rediscovered ginger tea. the strong kind. the kind that they make at the tea room in riga. with two heaping spoonfuls of fresh chopped ginger on a cup of water and a whole lot of lemon. it's the tea that warms you up like no other! and it's especially good with maple syrup as a sweetener. it's a must try! i've been feeling the winter these past few days. it's getting colder and damper, it seems. a good cup of ginger tea chases the winter chills away!!!

my pet peeve of the day - they don't make pink christmas lights anymore (or purple ones, either) we spent half the day driving from one store to another looking for mini lights in pink, purple and blue colours (yes, separate strands, not the fancy new ones with all three colours on one strand), but it seems they are nowhere to be found. who bought all the pink ones? tania? come on, people... share, if you have them!!! we finally found a couple of very helpful chaps at the keele street canadian tire. the poor men. they were trying to organize the lights shelf, while frantic customers, myself included, were trying to find the colour and shape of lights they needed. impossible task! for either party. i think they had pretty much figured that out by the time i showed up in the isle. so, they decided to help me, instead. a grand idea! and helpful they were! really. very helpful. they actually figured out that the blue lights were never shelved and went to the wearhouse in the back and brought them out for me. isn't that nice? thanks grant and graham (or whatever your names were)... you made my day!

sleep

it's been long since i last had
dreams at night. i always thought that the short snip-bits of sleep were the cause. since kaspar was born, i've been sleeping pretty much in two or three hour intervals. but, tonight i fell asleep only for an hour (by mistake, again, and came close to missing another blog entry, yikes!) and i dreamed. i had a dream i've had before, once or twice. it's one of those strange dreams, where you know that it's a dream, but you dream it anyway. and the dream is more like a movie, because you know your role in it and all you have to do is play it and let the dream continue. it's kind of a scary dream. i always wonder why i allow myself to keep dreaming it, because i already know how it will end. there is mafia and guns and violence and it always ends with one of the mafia guys getting murdered and my grandmother coming into her living room, where i've been sleeping, to wake me up. she walks to the window. it's still dark outside. and it's so real. the most realistic moment in the entire dream, just like she used to do, whenever i was sleeping over... she walks into that room, in the dark, pulls back the curtain a little (on the street side window), looks out onto the street, sighs and says something very casual, like 'you're awake i see. it rained last night. the streets are muddy.' but in the dream, there is a dead body leaning against the window. she does not see it. it's forehead is resting low, almost against the very bottom edge of the window pane. i know it's there even before she pulls back that curtain. i also know that she will miss it. why do i have this dream? it's strange and sad and frightening. and yet, strangely reassuring, because of her. i wonder, if by writing about it, i might make it not repeat again. hm? i used to have another dream, when i was a kid. it reminds me of this one, because it was also one of those 'repeating, know you're dreaming' types of dreams. and it also involved my grandmother's room and her window. it was about someone robbing our house and me chasing the robbers out the window into the back yard and telling my neighbour ineta to lock their house and greenhouse. i remember being very very frightened. and i think it involved me breaking my ankle or something like that. she, my grandmother, was always in the dreams. and they repeated so often that they began developing, like movie plots and changing and expanding. but she was always there. like a rock. anchoring the dream into reality, somehow. not letting me forget that it was just a dream. i wonder if kaspar dreams. i wonder if he can feel me dream, when he sleeps on my belly? i think he slept very peacefully (once he finally fell asleep), because i slept for a whole hour, not even feeling his weight on me.

today i tried to decorate the house a little, for christmas. i didn't get far. it's hard trying to find the time between meals and playing and all that. it's a start. i'll post some pictures, when there is something to show :-) but, while kaspar slept i managed to spend a couple of hours browsing the web and looking through the list of freshly posted 'inspirational sites' by my friend tania. they are always great! i don't know how she finds these cooky, cool sites, but i love checking them out. love it! there is one that i spent a lot of time on, called hel looks. you've got to take a look at it. unfortunately it's got nothing to do with hell. he. he. he. hel stands for helsinki, i believe. take a look at it yourself, i'm not about to go into full description of the page...

svetdiena. mes sorit nokavejam dievkalpojumu, jo pamodamies loti velu (bija agrais bernu dievkalpojums musu baznica). es jau ta isti negribu atzities, bet fakts ir - es priecajos, ka mes aizgulejamies! bernu dievkalpojumi kasparam vel ir mazsvarigi un man tie nepatik.... sodiena pagajusi tada svetdienas miera, ka migla. mes sorit patiesam svinejam svetkus un edam lasmaizites brokastis. tas ir retums, seit kanada. (protams, riga jeb talsos es tadas esmu edusi biezi!) es nopirku mazo paku kristapsona zaveto lasi un sodien mes ar mammu pa abam to notiesajam. bija gan makten gards! jau otra advente. pecpusdiena bija jakeras pie majas dekoresanas. vakar atvedam zaru kaudzi no sidrabenes, lai butu ar ko maju uz svetkiem izdekoret, bet man sodien iznaca laika tikai vienai detalai - es nopinu garu, garu vitni, ko uzlikam ap durvju rami lielaja istaba. forsi. smarzo pec svetkiem! ar to pagaidam bus ari japietiek. mamma paguva gan ielas puse uztaisit forsu puski poda un pie reliniem piesiet kadus eglu zarus. kaspars bija loti apmierinats lielako dienas dalu un pat tris reizes iemiga (gan tikai uz nepilnu stundu). bet vakara puse gan uznaca lielais nogurums un no 6:00 lidz 8:00 es vinu prakstiski uz rokam nesaju, lai tikai nebutu jalaiz vala lielais raudiens. ko lai dara? ta nu mums kadreiz iet... un nu vini abi gul, bet es pamodusies atnacu vel uzrakstit musu sodienas deku atskaiti.

oh dear, i've missed a day

oh dear. how will i recover from this? i've missed a day of posting. i told you it would eventually lead to this. one day missed. then one more. then a week gone by. and before i know it, i will forget about the blog. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

it must have been all that fresh air yesterday and the three hour long walk we had in the morning. i actually fell asleep last night while putting kaspar to bed ( i think i might have fallen asleep before he did, because i don't remember him sleeping...) and did not wake up until 1 am, when he was ready to eat. good thing, too, because after that we were awake pretty much every hour until 6 am. having a child is really an amazing experience, absolutely, except for the waking every hour part! ... during these types of mornings, believe me, there is nothing more blissful then having your mom walk into the room and say - "i'll hang out with him. go. sleep for a couple of hours." oh, what a blessing!!!

i'm posting a picture ( i really like this one!) i took yesterday at the jazz cafe, where we spent some time warming up and taking a break during our 3 hour long walk. jazz cafe has this amazing coffee. i love it. i swear, their plain cup of coffee tastes better then a cappuccino! and i really like cappuccino. especially the plain sorts. like the ones around the corner from my friend's place in montreal. mmm. cappuccino! have one on me, today!

i wish that this blog would allow me to post movies. today i took this amazing little film of kaspar (with my digital camera) , holding on to a mirror and talking to himself, kissing, licking and pointing at himself in the mirror. it was like he had just discovered the mirror (or himself), even though it had been there pretty much since his birth. very funny! wish you could have seen it. in fact he's been pulling a whole lot of tricks out of the bag lately. a few days ago he surprised me by grabbing on to my hands and pulling himself up on his feet. i almost dropped him off the sofa! i knew he could pull himself up to a seated position, but not on his feet. tonight, while we were having dinner with some friends, lari made him laugh out loud and giggle for a good 15 minutes. he was just deliriously happy! i had never seen him giggle and laugh for such a long time! he totally hit it off with laris. well, i'm sure i could think of a few dozen other things to write about, but just in case my fate is being awake every hour, once again, i better get to bed soon. tomorrow is sunday. another week gone by. another week closer to christmas. another week added to kaspar's life. he'll be 20 weeks old tomorrow. 20 weeks ago i gave birth to this little chap. wow. it seems so long ago. he's changed so much in these few weeks of his life. i promise to post some good pics of him tomorrow.

we've been saved

yes. she arrived. my mom is here, safe and sound. she arrived on time, on the 4pm flight from prague. we had some good take out tai for dinner. yummy. you see, living alone (or with a kid, who does not appreciate real food) my fridge has slowly become the place for condiments, not real food. it does not help, that bloor street in all it's glory is just around the corner! tonight, as i was waiting for my mom at terminal three, i realized that the only food items in the fridge (not counting kaspar's containers of brightly coloured mush) are 2 potatoes, a head of garlic, a bag of milk, a spoonful of sour cream and a whole load of vinegars, ketchups, sauces and other condiments. fried potatoes with garlic is just too latvian. i couldn't do it to her on her first night back!

oh. jau nak pie vienpadsmitiem. man mute platas bez nejegas (tikai zavas!) kaspars, bet ari mana mamma aizmiga jau isi pec deviniem. un es, ka jau parasti, trinos te pie kompisa. vienmer atrodas kaut kas darams, kaut kas lasams, kaut kas petams, kaut kas nevajadzigs, bet interesants.... sasoditais tikls! laika nosisana!

so vakaru pavadijam kavejoties riga, talsos, kuldiga.... parrunajot berzlapu ielas sagas un jaunumus, ka ari jau pagajusos notikumus. izstridejamies par to cik kaspars izaudzis, cik nav audzis, cik pienemies svara, cik izstiepies par sim dazam nedelam kops omcits bijis riga. man jau meginaja iestastit, ka esot loti izmainijies, bet ka gan tas var but? es tacu visu laiku esmu bijusi seit, klat - tas pats puika vien ir!

sodien ar visu lielo posanos uz omcisa ierasanos mes aizmirsam uztaisit bildites. kaspars man visu dienu palidzeja mazgat gridas un puteklus slaucit (vins man maisa, kamer es surijos pa maju - rit nofocesim tos jokus!) tadel sodien mums bilde sanakusi tada savada, melnbalta, uznemta ar manu fotoaparatu, kam iespejams uzstadit 'nakts kadrejumu' kas iznak melnbalta, bet ar tadu savadu gaismu. to nupat uzknipseju. kaspars aizmidzis, zem segas, cuc! es ari teiksu jums visiem arlabunakti! lidz ritam....

wednesday. a good friend once pointed out that wednesday is 'hump day'. it's the middle of the week, but at the end of the day, you're one day closer to the week-end. i suppose it only applies to those of us, who are working 5 days a week, but none the less... i think about it, almost every wednesday. so, if you're stuck at a day job - celebrate hump day!

today we managed to miss kaspar's late afternoon nap. who knows what planet we both were on? but, by the time i figured out that he was cranky for a good reason, it was too late. i figured he'll probably go to bed early... just after 7pm he got a great 20 minute baby massage and was ready to nurse. usually sleep follows, within 20 minutes or so. however, at 9:30 i found myself in an awkward position - a stiff neck and a baby, who would not let go. he was on a marathon! after 2h and 10 minutes he reluctantly resigned. phew! maybe he'll sleep thought the night....

tomorrow is december. december 1st. wow! where did november go? who hijacked november? that means christmas is in 24 days. i cannot believe it... tomorrow we get rescued. yes! my mom arrives tomorrow. bless her soul for coming!!! kaspar and i have been on our own for a week and a half, and even though we seem to be doing better and better as time goes by, i cannot hide the smile on my face knowing that i might be able to get some uninterrupted sleep for more then 2.5 hours at a time. bliss!

shoddy time, eh?

shoddy time, huh? my favorite past times these days truly are "a lot of making faces and blowing on small tummies to make a noise". i sure hope this does not qualify me for the shoddy time Olympics. and dressing up of pets is of no interest to me!(if you have no clue of what i'm referring to, please read comments on yesterday's blog!)

ugh. time flies. kaspar is out for the night (next three hours) , or so i hope. i'm about to hit the pillow, as well. we've had a busy day. after a hot bath, we both seem to be feeling a little light headed. i'm off to the bedroom with a harper’s in one hand and the new issue of weavings in the other. let's see which wins my attention!

a day in pajamas

i feel the pangs of guilt, tonight. i hate to admit it, but i've got to come clean. i will sleep better, if i do. here it is - i didn't take him outside all day! yes. it's absolutely, totally, completely awful. mean of me. selfish, in fact. that amazing and wonderful kid of mine was indoors all day. and it was +13 degrees out. he wouldn't even have needed his snowsuit. or the ever so disliked mittens. how could i? how dare i? i used the rain as an excuse. i used his need for sleep as an excuse. but they were only excuses for a much more selfish activity - working in the studio. i'm so sorry kaspar. i promise to take you out for two walks tomorrow (or one extra long walk) !

while i played bad mom (re: outdoor activities), we still ended up having a wicked day! after some wakeful hours last night, we both slept in until 9:30. kaspar woke me up giggling and we spent another hour in bed doing absolutely nothing. oddly enough, doing nothing with a baby, is really just that - doing nothing! have you ever thought about it? it's almost impossible to do 'nothing' with another adult. the rest of our day was spent productively working in our pajamas. since we never left the house, i simply failed to see any reason to get dressed. i truly enjoyed it! we got to try out kaspar's new toy - the authentic, vintage bouncy chair. he loved playing in that thing. thanks lidia! it seems that our kid knows a vintage, when he sees one! his two favorite toys to date are the bouncy chair and the wobbly chicken, also an authentic 1970's piece. so, while he contently played in his chair, i managed to get some work done in the studio. wow!

it's coming to 11pm. he's sleeping soundly. i must catch another hour at the bench, while i can. these sorts of days don't come by the dozen. i say a prayer of thanks and count my blessings!

tired

uh. hot coco. new daniel lanois cd. waiting for the phone to ring. ten pm. i'm tired. kaspar is sleeping. the dryer just stopped. i will retreat to the bedroom with a large pile of fresh smelling laundry in a basket. goodnight!