sleep

it's been long since i last had
dreams at night. i always thought that the short snip-bits of sleep were the cause. since kaspar was born, i've been sleeping pretty much in two or three hour intervals. but, tonight i fell asleep only for an hour (by mistake, again, and came close to missing another blog entry, yikes!) and i dreamed. i had a dream i've had before, once or twice. it's one of those strange dreams, where you know that it's a dream, but you dream it anyway. and the dream is more like a movie, because you know your role in it and all you have to do is play it and let the dream continue. it's kind of a scary dream. i always wonder why i allow myself to keep dreaming it, because i already know how it will end. there is mafia and guns and violence and it always ends with one of the mafia guys getting murdered and my grandmother coming into her living room, where i've been sleeping, to wake me up. she walks to the window. it's still dark outside. and it's so real. the most realistic moment in the entire dream, just like she used to do, whenever i was sleeping over... she walks into that room, in the dark, pulls back the curtain a little (on the street side window), looks out onto the street, sighs and says something very casual, like 'you're awake i see. it rained last night. the streets are muddy.' but in the dream, there is a dead body leaning against the window. she does not see it. it's forehead is resting low, almost against the very bottom edge of the window pane. i know it's there even before she pulls back that curtain. i also know that she will miss it. why do i have this dream? it's strange and sad and frightening. and yet, strangely reassuring, because of her. i wonder, if by writing about it, i might make it not repeat again. hm? i used to have another dream, when i was a kid. it reminds me of this one, because it was also one of those 'repeating, know you're dreaming' types of dreams. and it also involved my grandmother's room and her window. it was about someone robbing our house and me chasing the robbers out the window into the back yard and telling my neighbour ineta to lock their house and greenhouse. i remember being very very frightened. and i think it involved me breaking my ankle or something like that. she, my grandmother, was always in the dreams. and they repeated so often that they began developing, like movie plots and changing and expanding. but she was always there. like a rock. anchoring the dream into reality, somehow. not letting me forget that it was just a dream. i wonder if kaspar dreams. i wonder if he can feel me dream, when he sleeps on my belly? i think he slept very peacefully (once he finally fell asleep), because i slept for a whole hour, not even feeling his weight on me.

today i tried to decorate the house a little, for christmas. i didn't get far. it's hard trying to find the time between meals and playing and all that. it's a start. i'll post some pictures, when there is something to show :-) but, while kaspar slept i managed to spend a couple of hours browsing the web and looking through the list of freshly posted 'inspirational sites' by my friend tania. they are always great! i don't know how she finds these cooky, cool sites, but i love checking them out. love it! there is one that i spent a lot of time on, called hel looks. you've got to take a look at it. unfortunately it's got nothing to do with hell. he. he. he. hel stands for helsinki, i believe. take a look at it yourself, i'm not about to go into full description of the page...

svetdiena. mes sorit nokavejam dievkalpojumu, jo pamodamies loti velu (bija agrais bernu dievkalpojums musu baznica). es jau ta isti negribu atzities, bet fakts ir - es priecajos, ka mes aizgulejamies! bernu dievkalpojumi kasparam vel ir mazsvarigi un man tie nepatik.... sodiena pagajusi tada svetdienas miera, ka migla. mes sorit patiesam svinejam svetkus un edam lasmaizites brokastis. tas ir retums, seit kanada. (protams, riga jeb talsos es tadas esmu edusi biezi!) es nopirku mazo paku kristapsona zaveto lasi un sodien mes ar mammu pa abam to notiesajam. bija gan makten gards! jau otra advente. pecpusdiena bija jakeras pie majas dekoresanas. vakar atvedam zaru kaudzi no sidrabenes, lai butu ar ko maju uz svetkiem izdekoret, bet man sodien iznaca laika tikai vienai detalai - es nopinu garu, garu vitni, ko uzlikam ap durvju rami lielaja istaba. forsi. smarzo pec svetkiem! ar to pagaidam bus ari japietiek. mamma paguva gan ielas puse uztaisit forsu puski poda un pie reliniem piesiet kadus eglu zarus. kaspars bija loti apmierinats lielako dienas dalu un pat tris reizes iemiga (gan tikai uz nepilnu stundu). bet vakara puse gan uznaca lielais nogurums un no 6:00 lidz 8:00 es vinu prakstiski uz rokam nesaju, lai tikai nebutu jalaiz vala lielais raudiens. ko lai dara? ta nu mums kadreiz iet... un nu vini abi gul, bet es pamodusies atnacu vel uzrakstit musu sodienas deku atskaiti.