guilt

Guilt. It’s a powerful thing. Guilt is what got me back into doing the blog. Guilt keeps me recycling. Guilt makes me get out and shovel the sidewalk in the morning. It keeps my kitchen floor clean. It even gives me more time with kids… and I’m sure I could go on.

After having one kid and trying your best to do things the right way (by my self imposed standards, of course) I find myself feeling guilty more and more often these days. I just cannot manage things the same way I did, when my first was a couple of months old. I feel guilty about not taking as many pictures of Stella as I did with Kaspar. I feel guilty about not spending as much time talking to her. I feel guilty about not using washable diapers the same way I did when Kaspar was born. And even though it’s probably a very legitimate response to having two kids, even legitimate guilt (if I may put it that way), I’m well aware that no matter how hard I try I will never be the same for the both of them. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just cannot cope with two the same way I did with one. But maybe, just maybe… it’s the way the world works. Whatever the reason, it does not make me feel less guilty. So, I’m beginning to realize that feeling guilty is probably going to be a part of my daily routine, no matter ho hard I try. I have to make sure I don’t let it run my life.

I’ve often wondered how my mother did it. She had three kids and very little help. But when I ask about it she always has a very wise response. Such as “ I only had two rooms to take care of, not an entire house!” or “My three kids over the course of fifteen years had less toys then your first in his first year of life!” or my favourite “When you have to do it, you have to do it. That’s all there is to it.” (It does not rhyme in Latvian, unfortunately.) Then there are also the ones I have a hard time swallowing myself - “You were never that spoiled!” or “You helped me clean and cook as soon as you could walk!” and “I didn’t need to teach you to read, you absorbed it all on your own.” and “Of course you could spell by the time you turned three… I still have a card to prove it!” I have a hard time believing some of it, since I never turned out to be some sort of a child genius, but she does insist that she’s not making it up. And being a genius in early childhood does not mean I’m a genius at being a mother myself. Quite the opposite, in fact.

But… back to guilt and things I feel guilty about - My house is never as clean as I’d like it to be. The laundry is never done, because there is always more in the basket. There could always be more time for the kids. And more time trying to educate them in the ways of this life. The washable diapers are never used as much as I’d like them to be used. More often then not I forget to bring a reusable bag to the grocery store and there are way too many things that never get sorted properly for the recycling bin. I go for days at a time not answering my emails. I conveniently forget to mail 80% of my Christmas cards. I don’t floss as often as I’d like and I eat way to much sugar and drink way too much coffee. I don’t read as many books as I’d like. Oh, let me correct myself… I don’t read at all these days. But it really all comes down to one thing - there is never enough hours in the day to do it all.

So in the end it’s all about a good balance, because building another snowman on a snowy day is way more important then having a clean floor in the kitchen, or all the laundry done, is it not? My two year old understands that, but I on the other hand have a hard time dealing with my own guilt. Go figure~!